Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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