dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
