we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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