Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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