tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
