Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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