I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
