i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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