I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
