Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
