are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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