I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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