If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
