Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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