***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
