I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
