my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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