He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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