I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
