Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
