Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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