I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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