closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
