Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
