I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
