Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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