the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
