I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
