So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
