It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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