theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
