Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
false alarm, still single
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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