what day is it and did you see me today?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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