Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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