dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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