spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
