I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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