Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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