I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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