Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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