Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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