I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We just shotgunned beers for America
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize