So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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