I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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