ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
