Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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