need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
