and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
