Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
