If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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