...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't deserve a penis
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize