i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
