Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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