It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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