I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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